Archibald Liar

Well Archibald Liar once climbed up Mount Spire
to admire the valley below
But he tripped on the summit and started to plummet
as he fell he was yelling “Ohh no!”
(What he was actually yelling was “Ohh fuck it!” but this is a family poem)
he began to descend to an untimely end
but it can’t have been his time to go
cos the jammy git dropped through the large open top
of an alien UFO

When he fell through their lid, of course Archibald hid
so the Martians were quite unaware
as they finished disrobing and anally probing
some yank they had strapped down in there
that the bold mountaineer, having conquered his fear
had a ray-gun he’d found, in his hand
then giving a shout good old Archie leaped out
and he forced those green meanies to land.

Well I say that they landed, as Archie demanded
the truth is they more sort of crashed
but Archibald still saved the word single handed
and the Martians all ended up bashed.
Archie gave them a wallop, showing no hesitation
the Martians all knew they’d been bested
as he frogmarched them down to the local police station
and had all the green baddies arrested

Now Archibald’s name’s on the royal honours list
but this fact is maintained in obscurity.
They don’t want us to know that these Martians exist
for reasons of national security
I will bet that that’s something that none of you knew,
without Archie we’d all have been dead
and this story I told you is totally true.
At least that’s what A. Liar said.

I have had a number of people say that this poem does not scan. My answer to them is invariably ‘It does if you read it right.’ so whilst I am no great orator I have put an MP3 of me reading it here to prove the point.

©2015 Diss Info (brother of Miss Info)

Truth or Dare

Tell the truth or dare to lie
you might be caught out fibbing
but does that mean you shouldn’t try
you shouldn’t risk the ribbing?

This evening you’ve no plans at all
but they don’t need to know
so say you’re playing strip swing-ball
Along with Daisy Lowe

By day you are a van driver
but where’s the glamour there?
So tell them you’re a sky diver
and multi-millionaire

And party invitations
will start to come your way
and more and more flirtations
and trips to St. Tropez

So if you wasted all your youth
then take these words to heart.
They say you make your own truth
and now’s the time to start.

Tell the truth or dare to lie?
The answer’s plain to see
Being honest’s got you nowhere
Telling lies will set you free.

©2015 Diss Info (brother of Miss Info)