The Cheapo Chocolate Company

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This is more a film script than an article but things are getting a bit cramped under ‘misc’

This film that can be ‘shot’ with no lighting, no cameras and no actors. It will, however, require two people and quite a high level of computer expertise, some screen recording software, some video editing software, a chocolate selling web site, a bogus google search site (which will probably mean hacking your hosts file), skype (with two accounts and some customised emoticons), Microsoft outlook or similar, a program that looks as though it is sending out spam, a spreadsheet full of bogus credit card details and a program that looks as though it is charging credit cards. All of the ‘action’ occurs on the screen of Bob’s computer.

I have no immediate intentions of actually making this film so if anyone else wants to give it a go they are more than welcome. Whilst I still retain copyright I shall make no claim on any profits you might accrue from making a film from this script provided the credits say ‘Made in association with The National Association of Liars’.

 

The cheapo chocolate company.
(Trust me, I’m an online salesman.)

Scene1

Skype is open on Bob’s computer screen and there is a conversation going on between bob1999 and techy_alan. There is already some small talk in the chat window. An email alert shows on the bottom right hand corner of the screen

Bob

hang on I’m just getting an email

He maximises outlook and in the inbox unread is an email, the subject of which is ‘satisfy your woman all night long’ he deletes it and returns to skype

Bob (cont’d)

It was just another Viagra spam

Alan

Why do they do it?

Bob

For the money obviously

Alan

Does anyone really buy Viagra from spammers?

Bob

I guess they must. If one in 10,000 people did and they send the spam to ten million people that’s still…

The start box appears, ‘calc’ appears in the search box, the calculator arrives and works out 10000000/10000

…that’s still 1000 customers. Five quid profit per customer and that’s five grand. I’d say that was worth having, wouldn’t you.

Alan

We should do something like that.

Bob

Not Viagra though, something else

Alan

Any ideas?

Bob

Well if we sold something that people really wanted really cheap we could build up a list of credit card numbers and when we had enough just bill them all for an extra hundred quid and off to Acapulco to live the rest of our lives like Old Riley.

Alan

That’s bloody brilliant, what should we sell?

Bob

What to people want?

Alan

Sex? (a skype emoticon turns up with two people shagging)

Bob

Roll up, roll up, all those wanting to take Alan up the chuff please form an orderly queue and have your credit cards ready. (a skype emoticon with a muscle bound man in a leather had buggering a geek)

Alan

LOL

Start, Run, Firefox opens with google as the home page. In the search box appears ‘most popular online products’. It is a clone of google because it comes up with a plausible listing and the top of the list is ’10 most popular online products’. That link is clicked and it leads to a page a bit like this one http://www.insidermonkey.com/blog/the-10-best-selling-products-online-330887/?singlepage=1 but not because number 10 is socks, 9 books, 8 Alan’s chuff, 7 computer hardware, 6 computer software, 5 groceries, 4 government secrets, 3 porn, 2 viagra and 1 chocolate.

Bob

Chocolate! That’s what we need to sell.

Alan

OK where do we get it from?

Bob

If we do this right we can find a cheap chocolate supplier that knows next to nothing about marketing and sell their chocolate for a couple of pence more than we will buy it for, just to cover our costs. Then we get our website to buy it off their website and email us with a list of credit card details. Once it is up and running we won’t need to lift a finger. I can do the marketing if you can do the programming.

Alan

You know I think this is going to work. We need a name for the website.

Maximises Firefox and types in www.cheapochocolates.com it comes up with server not found.

Bob

How about the Cheapo Chocolate Company?

Alan

The birth of an empire! J

Fade to black

Scene 2

Bobs desktop, the skype button is flashing to show that someone is trying to chat with him. Skype opens up

Alan

I’ve finished the website.

Bob

That’s great, can I see?

Alan

Sure www.cheapochocolates.com

The link is clicked and it goes to a professional looking website selling chocolates.

Bob

That’s brilliant, I have been harvesting email addresses from the spams I have been getting so I have a huge list now. I will get marketing.

Clicks start, programs, marketing mass mailer. A program opens with an email that says ‘CHEAPEST CHOCOLATES ON THE WEB, GUARANTEED’ with a picture of a naked couple feeding each other chocolate, and getting fairly covered in it. The program has a send button which is clicked and a status bar moves up counting the number of recipients. When it is all the way to the right it reads 85932235 recipients.

Alan

You bastard, you put my email address on the spam list hehe

Bob

I thought you might be our first customer LOL

Alan

What happened to their clothes?

Bob

Sex sells. Trust me I’m an online salesman J

Alan

I guess all we need to do now is kick back and wait

As he says this there is a ping and a message saying that an email has arrived. Outlook is maximised and the subject of the mail is ‘you have just received an order’. The mail is opened. It says ‘Janet McCauley spent £12 on your website, credit card number 4821 4992 1320 7771 expiry date 09/19 CVV code 341

Bob

Bloody hell! That didn’t take long.

Alan

I know I get them too.

Another similar email arrives, then another, then another until the flow of emails is constant.

Bob

Can you get it to send a daily spreadsheet with all the data in it rather than a million mails a minute?

Alan

I think I am going to have to, what a great problem to have.

Bob

If you are ok with it I will spend some of the money we make on buying new lists of email addresses.

Alan

You have to speculate to accumulate 🙂 as long as you don’t send us into the red you can fill yer boots.

Fade to black

Scene 3

Bobs desktop, Skype is already open.

Alan

Look, in only a month we have made ten grand and all of it legit. The site is really popular. People are going to it without being prompted by spam emails, why do you want to ruin a good thing?

Bob

It’s what we agreed

Alan

But if you use the list to steal that money we will never be able to come back to England again.

Bob

So the choice is living in semi-detached, mundane, middle class suburbia and have the government take all our profits or living like royalty in Acapulco.

Alan

It’s just not worth it

Bob

There are ninety seven thousand credit cards on that list. If we bill each of them for a hundred quid that would be

The start box appears, ‘calc’ appears in the search box, the calculator arrives and works out 9700000

Bob (cont’d)

Nearly ten million quid. If that’s not bloody worth it then I don’t know what is and if we leave it for another six months that could be fifty million, or more!

Alan

I don’t care. We are onto a great thing here, if it keeps growing we can give up our jobs and just watch the cash come rolling in. If we start stealing people’s money then even if we don’t get caught we will never see England again. Never set foot in a local pub for a pint of ale by the fire. No more fish and chips or watching Dr who on BBC1, and you want to chuck that in and live in a place run by drug barons where no one would have the faintest idea what you were talking about if you said ‘This is an ex parrot’.

Bob

Where is Acapulco anyway?

Alan

Mexico you idiot  🙂

Bob

Well maybe you are right, look I have to pop out now, chat later

Alan

Cheerio

Skype gets shut down. A spreadsheet full of people’s credit card details is maximised the first row is highlighted and the word copy appears and is selected (control C) start programs and a program called credit card charger appears with various boxes like name, card number etc. Paste appears (control V) and most of the boxes are populated from the spreadsheet. The amount to be charged is changed to £100 and the ‘charge now’ button is clicked on. A popup appears with the message ‘incorrect details, please try again.’ The spreadsheet reappears and the second row is selected and copied, back to the credit card charger and the new details appear (still set to charge £100), same error message. Screen crosses to the spreadsheet again, scrolls down a long way and copies another line and pastes it into the credit card charger program same results. Skype is opened again

Bob

Alan none of the credit cards work!

Alan

Did you try and bill one?

Bob

Just as a test

Alan

Just as a test my arse! You were going to rip off not only the cardholders but me as well.

Bob

You were going to steal all the money yourself which is why I am getting wrong credit card addresses and you are getting the right ones. You thieving bastard.

Alan

I promise you I am getting exactly the same emails they you are getting

Bob

You lying bastard, do you want to spend the next 20 years as a sodding computer programmer?

Alan

Well my job does involve computers but I would hardly describe myself as a computer programmer.

Bob

Well what would you describe yourself as then?

Alan

Well I am normally described as Chief Inspector Alan Johnson of the Metropolitan Police Internet Fraud Department.

Bob

You fucking bastard!

Alan

Is your doorbell ringing?

Bob

Yes

Alan

Say ‘hello’ to my colleagues will you?

Crash to black

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