April

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Capricorn

Capricorns are notorious hoarders and now that spring is upon us a good spring clean is in order. Throw away that clutter that has been getting in your way for so long. Out with all the furniture and carpets. Husband or wife, kids, car… in the skip with the lot of them and start afresh. A new and more confident you will emerge this April and you will find yourself doing things you never through you could such as climbing mount Everest, making a working spaceship out of straw and winning the Nobel prize for economics.

Aquarius

A man in a gold lamé negligee will offer you some counterfeit rubbing liniment on the 6th which you would be well advised to avoid. Your attempts to teach your friend’s whippet to play the xylophone are doomed until he evolves opposable thumbs (the whippet, not the friend). Exercise particular caution towards the middle of April or you might end up with an ocarina wedged up your nose and under no circumstances should you trust a doctor that wants to take your temperature using only his finger.

Pisces

Try to avoid biting off more than you can chew this April. Why not just use a knife and fork and cut your food into sensible sized pieces, Pisces? Whilst you are at it you might try and use a bit less seasoning because of the prices of spices, Pisces. You are a loyal friend but you need to understand that sometimes people need to be left to their own devices, Pisces. Now that the weather is starting to improve, there is no doubt that you should get out and about without pouting or shouting at trout, Pisces.

Aries

At work your colleagues are already conspiring against you. That woman in accounts that is always laughing.. she is laughing at you. That man that is always on his mobile? There is a camera in that mobile, he is using it to film you. However I would not want you to get paranoid. Venus in your second house indicates not only Machiavellian skulduggery but also cheesecake and worming powder so your chart is open to several interpretations.

Taurus

Have you noticed that sexual partners are a bit like busses? You can wait for ages for one and then three turn up all at once. Last month you were not getting any at all, this month you will find that you are positively worn down to a point. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single sheep. April is also the ideal month for getting out in the garden and pruning the daisies and fertilising the weeds. A woman with a mauve ear trumpet will get a bassoon caught in her cleavage. Hitler was a Taurus.

Gemini

Spring is here! Spring is here! A time for frolicking in the fields and (according to Tom Lehrer) poisoning pigeons in the park. Geminis are notoriously gullible and prone to fall for April fools jokes but this year you don’t need to worry about it because, due to some sort of European directive, they have moved April Fools ‘Day to the third of May. As Saturn enters your opposite sign towards the middle of the month may feel as though someone at work is giving you a hard time. Try to understand things from their point of view, and if that doesn’t work then boot them in the privates.

Cancer

Education figures strongly in your chart this month. You can learn from all sorts of places, not least the spectacularly brilliant website of the National Association of Liars, with its free online certification. Alternatively why not train to become a human cannonball or take a short course on pole dancing. If you don’t have your own pole you can buy a travelcard and practice on the tube all day with it. A friend, relation or Mormon will ring your doorbell just as you are sat on the khazi trying to bomb the porcelain but by the time you have rushed through the paperwork and made it to the door they will have disappeared.

Leo

With the beginning of April finally comes success in your long-running attempt to cross a poodle with a shih tzu. Now all you need to do is decide if it should be called a shihtpo or a pooshiht. Travel is highlighted towards the middle of the month and you may find yourself talking a walk or even a drive in a car. Jupiter entering Leo signifies fertility and this along with the mayday celebrations pretty much guarantees that all you lovely leos will be pregnant within the month, not least the women.

Virgo

Virgos are terrible worriers. If they have not got anything to worry about, they worry about that so try to relax this month. Drinking copious amounts of gin might help. You will meet a sexy stranger at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Tempers will fray during a game of risk with a German. Someone has beaten you to it with your idea for a new best seller, Sucking Dummies for Dummies. I’m afraid it already exists. A marching band will take a wrong turn and end up in your front room.

Libra

April will not begin well when the police start it off by breaking down your front door at three in the morning. Fortunately it will not be you they are after but some capital letters covered in lard, either them or some similarly slippery characters. Things won’t get much better the following week when you are thrown out of a jewellers over a misunderstanding about a pearl necklace. The good news, however, is that your conviction for illegally removing the skin of an apple in Tesco’s will be overturned by the court of appeal.

Scorpio

You may find you have more friends than you thought you did, but hey that’s Facebook for you. April is no time to be spreading marmalade on your neighbour’s knees. You will decide to throw the shock absorbers on your car away this month on the grounds that winter is over and now is the time for springs. The Euterpen muse will descend upon you and you will feel the urge to get those old bagpipes of yours out of the attic. Harsh words will be spoken to you by your neighbors, possibly resulting in one or more black eyes.

Sagittarius

At work things will be going quite well for you but are you really sure you are cut out for a nine to five job? You can be anything you want to be, except possibly a supermodel on account of the size of your arse. A man from Wigan will sellotape a cantaloupe to his wife’s head. Towards the end of the month you will win a bet with your tattooist. He will have the last laugh though. There will also be much cause for celebration in your community as the local fish and chip shop wins a national award. They obviously know their place.

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