Monthly horoscope for August

Capricorn

With the coming of August you will decide to take up an interest in genealogy. You will discover that one branch of your family tree is a long line of railway drivers but, perhaps more interestingly, you will also be able to trace your ancestry back to one of the gibbons at Twycross Zoo. With Venus trine with Jupiter, International relations are also highlighted this month and if you play your cards right you may well get lucky with someone unlucky enough to be French. Philosophically speaking the golden rule is quite simply: those who have the gold do the ruling.

Aquarius

A particularly rare breed of moth will take up residence in your underwear and you will be served with an injunction forbidding you to wash, or even change, them for the rest of the year. This August will also find you in a philanthropic mood and you will want do to your bit for charity and possibly become an organ donor. If you don’t have an organ you can donate the next best thing would be to give an old piano to the Salvation Army. Always keep several get well cards on the mantelpiece. If unexpected guests arrive, they’ll think the reason you have not cleaned the house is because you have been ill.

Pisces

A recent study has found that women who are a little overweight tend to live longer than the men who mention it. This August you will be crushed by a pile of books, you will have only your shelf to blame. Mars entering Pisces should give you the energy you need to do all those jobs you have been putting off although really the ideal time to have ensured that the toilet worked properly would have been before you really needed it. There is one thing you can say for Pisciens though, they are not afraid of hard work. If they were they would not always be so ready to fight it.

Aries

It is always fun watching two stubborn Aries having an argument. They will butt heads till the cows come home. I knew an Aries once that was so fugly that it was hard to tell her head from her butt but I am drifting off the subject. A distant relative you did not know you had, will die and leave you a rubber hat stand in his will. As The Beatles so eloquently put it “I Am the Walrus—I am the egg man, they are the egg men, I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob.” And who can argue with that? If all else fails, read the instructions.

Taurus

This August is an excellent time for looking at all the good things you have in life and enjoying them. He who is not happy with the things he has, would not have been happy with the things he wished he had had even if he hadn’t not had them and even if you don’t have all the things you want you can at least be thankful for all the things that you don’t have that you didn’t want. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me. A female politician will leave her vajazzle in the back seat of a taxi.

Gemini

As your ruling planet mercury zooms passed, you may well be having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. Do you feel that you’ve forgotten this before? Travel is highlighted in your horoscope this month, possibly a skiing holiday although why you would want to pay an arm and a leg just for the opportunity to break both is beyond me. This month you should be extra vigilant against internet con artists who will try and rip you off like the proverbial toilet roll, even if it is just the bog standard stuff.

Cancer

A vast wandering asteroid will collide with your ruling planet (the moon) this August, causing it to crash into the sun and end all life on earth. Apart from that though everything is pretty much tickety boo and the sky’s the limit (unless you are an astronaut). Some people worry about whether ignorance or apathy the biggest problem with the world today. Personally I don’t know and I don’t care, in fact I am not even sure there is even such a thing as scepticism. You will be the star pupil in your astronomy class.

Leo

You will be invited to a seminar on time travel to be held two weeks ago. If you go swimming in the sea this month there is a good chance you will be stung on the wedding vegetables by a jellyfish. There is an equally high chance that someone will trot out the old joke about going to the doctors and asking him to get rid of the pain but keep the swelling. With Jupiter conjuncting with Saturn, things are not looking good on the medical front and a double diagnosis of depression and schizophrenia will leave you beside yourself with worry.

Virgo

You may think that life is full of problems but if you were able to kick the arse of the person responsible each time one appeared you would have an extra problem of not being able to sit down for a week. You might as well give up your job making stationary equipment since the work clearly isn’t going anywhere. Virgos tend to make good Hairdressers for some reason. It might be something to do with reading all the perms and conditions. Maybe they are just gay. Towards the end of the month you will receive an email offering you a free sky diving experience. Don’t fall for it.

Libra

Libras are not the tidiest of people at the best of times but as mars enters your house you will find a marked increase in the amount of rubbish and clutter entering your life. Try the local government website if you are looking for any tips to get rid of it. Also this August spare a thought for your parents. They made a lot of sacrifices when you were growing up. To be fair though, they were Satanists. You may also develop a fascination with brickwork. Try not to let it become an obsession though, there has to be mortar life than this.

Scorpio

This month you will break up with your astigmatic partner because you can not see eye to eye. Towards the middle of August you will be invited to host the annual awards ceremony of the National Association of Bedmakers but you will have to turn them down. You should also try and be more liberal in your views. If partially sighted people want the right to drive combine harvesters then try not to stand in their way. Your attempt to sabotage the upcoming World Fencing Championship is bound to be foiled.

Sagittarius

With your ruling planet Jupiter in opposition to Mercury you will find things getting a bit fraught on the work front. Tolstoy was not far wrong when he said ‘If you are not enjoying your work, you should either change your attitude, or change your job’ and the matter might be taken out of your hands because if you are not fired with enthusiasm you may well be fired with enthusiasm. An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool. You will also spend the best part of two weeks staring at a black vinyl disc. I think that’s a record.