December

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Capricorn

Midwinter will start off quite bleak for you Capricorns but towards the end of the month I predict too much to drink and a good stuffing. If you are looking for the ideal Christmas present you could not do better than get a t-shirt or mug from the National Association of Liars’ shop. Capricorns are supposed to be efficient but you can go too far and doing your Christmas shopping 12 months early to avoid the crowds would come under that category.

Aquarius

A shifty looking man in a red coat with a white beard will be seen loitering in shopping centers. Sometimes people will be seen running away from him, possibly because they are Claustrophobic. Try to avoid a repeat of last year when reading everyone was reading out the jokes in their Christmas crackers and you substituted ‘better’ ones from sickipedia. Grandma has only just recovered from the last heart attack and the cat had a stroke. Speaking of pets, this Christmas you will get a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as you get him home he will make a bolt for the door.

Pisces

So you’ve finished all the chocolates in your advent calendar by the first week in December. That does not make it Christmas yet, you will have to wait like the rest of us. Pisces, like the fish they are named after, have notoriously short memories so perhaps you should ask for a smartphone, Filofax or even a calendar for Christmas though there is little point in my saying this because by the time anyone asks you what you want, you will have forgotten. Advent calendars? … Their days are numbered!

Aries

You will not need telling that December is a month of parties and boozing. When driving home, if you swerve to miss a tree only to realize it was your air freshener then you have definitely had too much to drink. Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door, or stapling water to a tree. If you are going to try cross-country skiing to work off all the christman pudding then it would probably be best to start off with a small country. Also try not to eat the Christmas decorations or you might end up with Tinselitis.

Taurus

With your ruling planet of Venus in opposition to the star of Bethlehem I am afraid there will be no Christmases for Taureans this year. Your tree will wither, your turkey will be burnt to a crisp and the postman will deliver all your Christmas cards to your local member of parliament by mistake (or possibly because your MP bunged him a few quid in an attempt to appear popular). You cannot even escape to the local pub but don’t worry things will soon be back to normal so happy next Christmas and a merry new year after the next one.

Gemini

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. The painting by Paul Gauguin entitled ‘When Will You Marry?’ sold for a hundred and ninety four million quid (and it is not even particularly good) so that makes a word worth 194,000 smackers. I am not a greedy person so I think a donation in the order of a hundred grand would seem reasonable for this month’s horoscope. Come on then Gemini, cough up! Ohh you want some predictions? Well the stars foretell approaching cake and presents on the 25th, Turkey for lunch and a day off work. How much more specific could I possibly be?

Cancer

If you are planning on a New Year’s resolution, hi-def is likely to be quite popular next year. You will be offered a job as one of Santa’s elves (or subordinate clauses as they are now known). I am sure we all know the story of the nativity but what is a bit less well known is that when the three kings were crossing the desert on their camels they kept themselves amused by making up Christmas carols and it is from there that we got the old favorite ‘O Camel you faithful’. Good news for the Christmas party, alcohol does make you more attractive to the opposite sex… after they’ve drunk enough of it.

Leo

There is a strong chance of carols being sung at you when you are out shopping. It will be impossible to escape Christmas this month, even your local pizza restaurant is offering a King Wenceslas pizza for December, Deep pan, crisp and even. Be careful texting whilst drunk over the Christmas period, thanks to autocorrect the kids were expecting a visit from Satan last year. Hopefully you will not wrap the turkey, cook the presents and roast the pudding again like you did last year. This Christmas may you have more sex and fewer unexpected pregnancies than the Virgin Mary

Virgo

If a Virgo was going to write a letter to Santa it might look something like this. ‘Dear Santa, I have been very good this year, well quite good, OK once in a while I might have been good, ohh the hell with it I will buy my own presents.’   Of cause one of the best things about winter is that your clinical depression will be replaced by seasonal affective disorder. You had better hope that Santa has not seen your Facebook page or you will be getting some clothes, a dictionary and a year’s membership of Alcoholics Anonymous for Christmas.

Libra

The worst thing about the office Christmas party is the hangover the next day if you use it as an opportunity to drink the equivalent of the bonus you didn’t get. Mary and Joseph may have turned up too late to get into the pub for Christmas but at least they ended up with a stable relationship. Browsing on EBay over Christmas you will find Rudolph and his brother but you won’t bid on them because they are too dear. When Christmas is over why not make a new year’s resolution you can actually keep, like drinking more, putting on weight or taking up smoking.

Scorpio

Next time a telemarketer calls why not give the phone to a three year old and say it is Father Christmas? Rumor has it that Santa Clause is going to swap his sleigh for a formula one race car this year, he will always start in pole position. Why not get the lady in your life a wooden leg for Christmas this year? It doesn’t need to be her main present, it can just be a stocking filler. Actually your best Christmas present this year will be a book on glue… you won’t be able to put it down. There is no point in you asking for a puppy for Christmas, you can have turkey like the rest of us.

Sagittarius

With the season of peace and good will upon us you can look forward to at least two dozen more socks for Christmas but as Professor Dumbledore said in the first Harry Potter book ‘one can never have enough socks. In fact for that very reason perhaps it would be wise to vote for the Monster Raving Loony party next election, one of their manifesto commitments was to have all socks sold in packets of three so it didn’t matter so much if you lost one. You can’t deny the sense in that. For the person that has everything you could buy them a festive kitchen utensil for draining the Brussel sprouts with, such as an advent colander.

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