Capricorn

Your patient for edible shoelaces will be approved towards the end of the month. Unfortunately this is a very stupid idea and your new startup ‘edible shoelaces inc.’ will be a catastrophic flop. Now that mercury, the messenger of the gods, is in the house of commons next time someone gives you any gyp, perhaps it would be a good time for you to let rip with a few home truths (by ‘let rip’ I mean you should tell the home truths forcefully, not fart them)

Aquarius

They say this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. With another birthday either just gone or just coming up, the age you need to be concerned with it is old age. Invest heavily in anti-wrinkle cream, Botox, hair dye, Steradent and a medical truss because even if you were only twenty five year old, that is still a quarter of an antique. You will win six pounds thirty in an ostrich race on the 13^th which you will spend on string.

Pisces

For all you Pisceans out there, February is a particularly auspicious month to take up nudism and chainsaw juggling, but possibly not both at the same time. A man you meet at a cow tipping convention might not be what he seems at first. On the other hand he might be exactly what he seems, a complete maniac that likes tipping cows over when they are trying to sleep standing up. Why are you even going to such a place?

Aries

As Pluto enters Aries and several Mars bars ends up in a Glaswegian deep fat fryer you will discover that one of your neighbours has three nipples. Your design for the new apple smartphone will be rejected on the grounds that it looks too much like a penis. Towards the end of the month you can expect a trip to the casualty department due to an unfortunate accident involving an eggplant and a tub of Vaseline.

Taurus

Sorry to tell you this Taurus but February is going to be the most boring month you have ever had in your entire life. There is a strong possibility that you will encounter a man that is not wearing a hat. Your garden or allotment will need weeding and a close relative will run out of cornflakes. Other than that, nothing of any interest at all will happen apart from you getting over a million hits on YouTube with your impersonation of Kylie Minogue being turned into a chicken

Gemini

You can’t always have everything you want in life and you are going to have to prioritise your goals and try not to bite off more cooks than can make a muckle out of a many a mickle. You will find February to be a good month for gluing cats inside trombones and marching up to the kremlin, banging on the door and shouting ‘Is Lenin?’ You will also experience a few medical problems including rickets, scurvy, botulism, berry-berry and one leggedness.

Cancer

Since Cancerians have a well-deserved reputation for being a bit slow, if you start your spring cleaning this February there is half a chance you might get it finished by next Christmas. Matters might conspire to delay you however and this month you can expect to be attacked by ninjas, abducted by aliens and bitten by a six foot tall squirrel, none of which are likely to speed things up. With Jupiter trine with Saturn, you should be trine not to be putting things off so much.

Leo

Travel is on the horizon for all you lucky Leos. It will start with a three day train journey in dangerously overcrowded railway carriages with minimal facilities… and that’s just to get to Heathrow. A welcome financial windfall can be expected towards the middle of the month when you will find two pounds thirty six pence piece inside a stuffed aardvark. You will develop an allergy to the French language which means that even seeing it written down causes extreme pain in the area of the ‘wedding vegetables’. Still…. c’est la vie.

Virgo

February will bring some good news with respect to your lawsuit against the hospital which preformed the unauthorised sex change operation on you. Evidence has been uncovered that it cannot possibly have been a case of mistaken identity and they really just did it for a laugh. Oh, I have made a mistake with the chart, that is for next February not this one. Well, if it is not too late, it might be a good idea to try and stay out of hospitals for the next year.

Libra

You have been doing far too much exercise and watching what you eat over the past year and where has it got you? Time to stop all this silliness and avoid all forms of exercise from henceforth. Out with the muesli and in with the lard sandwiches, you know it makes sense. As February gets into full swing you will start to see more dogs taking up Morris dancing. An item that you through was of little value will turn out to be worth nothing at all.

Scorpio

Even if you have done something wrong there is no point in blaming yourself when it would be far better to try and pin the blame on someone else. If you have a dog, February would be the ideal month to paint it green. A woman will try to wallpaper a zebra with limited success. Early in the month you will have an unexpected encounter with two naked nuns in a bath of strawberry preserve. You jammy git!

Sagittarius

Your psychic powers will be coming to the fore this month. Your intuition will be at an all time high and you will eat a lot of muesli. You will also feel strongly drawn to the colour purple and do your best to spread peace and love thorough the world. However this is not always easy and when a fight breaks out between the angels and the fairies at the bottom of your garden and you summon the prince of darkness to restore order amongst the runner beans you accidently bring about the end of the world. Oops!