January

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Capricorn

With the moon in transit with Neptune and the sun in Leo, Capricorns will have a busy month ahead. A blond woman wearing a duffle coat will hit you round the head with a herring. Despite the inclement weather you will want to be out and about more than usual. Expect to be arrested for indecent exposure sometime around the 14th There is a fifty fifty chance of winning the lottery jackpot towards the end of the month, higher than fifty fifty if you buy a ticket.

Aquarius

Ironically for Aquarius the water carrier you can expect a trip to the doctor with respect to your own waterworks in January. This would be a good time to start planting umbrellas in your allotment. Towards the middle of the month there is a good chance of promotion, or possibly demotion which would lead to a period of impecuniosity. Somebody quite close to you will break wind. Avoid asking for directions to Crew from Albanian cat-polishers, particularly on a Tuesday.

Pisces

Having no doubt maxed out your credit card on other people over the Christmas period it is time you started to think about yourself. January is a particularly auspicious month for shoplifting and white-collar fraud. You will receive an email from a Nigerian prince who requires your assistance in moving SIX MILLION DOLLARS out of the country. As Jupiter enters the house of Fraser towards the end of the month you can expect news from Skegness about two owls.

Aries

Romance beckons in January for all you randy rams out there. Randy rams will be ramming their rigid rods repeatedly in romantic rendezvous in the region of Rochdale. January is also a good time to take up juggling cats or learning to play the piano accordion. Beware of falling carrots and never try to polish a rhinoceros with a piece of cardboard. Because the moon and the sun are both in your major house throughout January there will be a total eclipse that only applies to Aries and no one else will believe you.

Taurus

A new year brings with it a new start for all you impatient Taureans. No man is an oblong. A new broom gathers no moss and certainly should not throw stones so now would be a good time for a divorce, moving house, getting a new job or changing your underwear. You are likely to be inconvenienced by a dwarf with an ear trumpet. Try to avoid having sex with any member of the goat family, particularly on weekdays. As the month of January progresses you are likely to get shorter, loosing at least a foot in height by the thirty first.

Gemini

Frozen pizzas, butter, milk, castor sugar, corned beef and olives. Ohh sorry that’s my shopping list. Gemini (the twins) are schizophrenic at the best of times but this January prepare for particularly violent mood swings, such as those immortalised to by the Glenn Miller Orchestra in the 1940s. As mercury sits in the thermometer you may feel pressured to cook the books in case you have to face replacing the base trace space race chase (and try saying that with a mouthful of meringues). A politician might be economical with the truth.

Cancer

Although Cancerians are the only sign in the zodiac to walk sideways and often look as though they have had a good old wallop with the ugly stick love is on the horizon for all you lucky crabs if you don’t get too crabby. One of the disadvantages of being a water sign is that you are more likely to end up sleeping in the wet patch but I don’t care about that because I am a Capricorn hehe. Expect to stub your toe on the 14th and keep a lookout for geese playing the mandolin.

Leo

Jupiter entering Virgo this month spells doom for you with respect to matters financial. Bankruptcy beacons and the only solutions is to spend absolutely no money at all for the entire month and live on a diet of mud and navel fluff. On the plus side this might do wonders for that fat tummy of yours. Towards the end of the month you can expect the Queen to bang on your front door saying that one is desperate and needs to use the crapper and there is a knighthood in it for you if she can use your khazi. Unfortunately you will be out at the time.

Virgo

January is a good time to look at your life and make some serious changes. You are far too old to be a virgin, you should get out there and get laid although do try and remember that if you find sex to be a pain in the arse you are probably doing something wrong. Your creative side will come out strongly in January and fashion will play a big part. Away with the old jeans and t-shirt look, this season you will be more likely to be found in a thigh length leather boots and a diaphanous mini skirt, even the women.

Libra

The moon going retrograde in Libra will tend to knock things a bit out of balance during the month of January and you can expect to fall over more often than might be accounted for by just the gin. Everyone likes a bargain, Librans more than most, which is why you get so excited at the January scales. Now would be a good time to start on that erotic political comedy television script you have been meaning to write for ages but it might be best to change the title as ‘Shove it up your scrunge, Prime Minister’ will not win you many friends at the BBC.

Scorpio

There are exciting times ahead for Scorpios. Early in the New Year you will foil a plot to assassinate the prime minister earning you the undying hatred of almost the entire population. You will be selected for the national synchronised frog juggling team for the next Olympics and offered the staring roll in the upcoming James Bond film, The Golden Spy from Russia that Fingered Her Majesty’s Secret Thunderball. Remember this adage though: – If at first you don’t succeed then maybe a job in bomb disposal might not be your best choice.

Sagittarius

This month try not to dwell on the past. What’s done is done and you cannot unbreak that vase or unshag that sheep. On the other hand, you don’t want to dwell too much on the future because who (apart from us astrologers) knows what the future might bring? You don’t really want to dwell on the present either because as soon as you start dwelling on it it becomes the past and the future that you were not dwelling on becomes the present. The best thing to do probably is just stay in bed for the entire month of January.

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