June

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Monthly horoscope for June

Capricorn

As Mars enters Capricorn this month you will feel your confidence increase in leaps and bounds. You can have too much of a good thing, however, and when your plans for world domination reach the stage where you have constructed your mega-death ray out of a fairy liquid bottle and an old ZX spectrum and are issuing ultimatums to world leaders, threatening to pour marmite in the water supply if they do not agree to your demands then possibly things have gone a bit far. Have you noticed that the old style lightbulbs look a bit like the ghosts of dead pears?

Aquarius

Perhaps this month you should consider having a new filtration system installed. I’m sorry, I was thinking of aquariums. Whilst shopping in your local new-age headshop you will be incensed when a hippy leaps out at you brandishing a joss stick. In the third week of June you will be invited to the opening of a local ‘world food’ restaurant offering Chinese, South American, Indian and Italian foods. The sweet and sour beef curry pizza might be overcooking things slightly though. No man is an ice cream.

Pisces

Pisceans are known for piling on the pounds and if your idea of a balanced diet is a bar of chocolate in each hand then you should definitely think about losing weight. It won’t be a piece of cake though. Whilst we are on the subject of self-improvement you should also do something about that terrible memory of yours. Not only that but you should also do something about that terrible memory of yours. With mercury aligning itself with Pluto you will receive some astonishing news on the 26th. Unfortunately you will have forgotten all about it five minutes later.

Aries

June is a good month for harvesting potatoes, the best place to do this at the moment is Lidl. This month Mars (the bringer of war) goes into alignment with Saturn (the planet of death) and this can only mean one thing, the arrival of the zombie apocalypse. Now would be the ideal time to stock up on chainsaws, axes, planks of wood and pot noodles. You might also be unexpectedly hit on the head by a pot of petunias. A relative will make an unkind comment. The best thing to do under the circumstances would be to attack them with the chainsaw before things get out of hand.

Taurus

This June will be a busy month for you industrious Taureans and your hard work will be rewarded. Sometime during the month you will get a phone call from Cheryl Cole offering to have mad passionate sex with you. There are roughly four hundred million Taureans of a suitable age in the world. Let’s say (conservatively) that a quarter were not interested, that would still leave three hundred million people to get through in a month so if you think you are busy, spare a thought for poor Cheryl (who incidentally is a Cancer)

Gemini

June will not start off well for you when you are diagnosed with schizophrenia. On the positive side at least you still have each other. With the moon transiting Luton and summer on its way you do rue chewing through some glue stew to get through the hitherto all too new queue for the loo. Towards the end of the month is the summer solstice, or longest day, so if your watch appears to be running faster than usual you will know why. Have you ever asked yourself what you would do if there were no hypothetical situations?

Cancer

Cancerians tend to be mummy’s boys or girls but we all have to grow up sooner or later, even geese (although they can also grow down). Money matters are highlighted in the stars again this month for you cash-strapped Cancerians. If you cannot pay all your bills at once you will have to prioritise them but the one bill that you absolutely have to pay is the one from the local exorcist. Failure to do so might lead to your house being repossessed. Remember, nothing is impossible unless it is something you can’t do.

Virgo

As your ruling planet of mercenary enters your opposite house of Pisces, things will start to feel a bit strange this May, like you are diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Geminis, Virgos are terrible for putting things off and your argument that the sooner you fall behind the more time you will have to catch up is not going to convince anyone. You have been giving some thought to surgically removing the shell from your racing snail in an attempt to make it more aerodynamic but if anything it will probably just make it more sluggish.

Libra

June will get off to a positive start for you lucky Librans when a frying pan that you accidently left on the cooker for two days is bought by the Tate Modern for three quarters of a million quid. Things look a bit more questionable on the romantic front since Venus (the planet of love as well as being your ruling planet) conjuncts with Uranus signifying a homosexual relationship with a conservative MP. It was bound to happen though, they have been trying to screw the lot of us since 1834. People who live in glass houses should probably shower in the basement.

Scorpio

If you see two people talking and one of them looks bored, the chances are the other one is a Scorpio. Try and get a bit less boring this June Scorpers. Take the other half to Anne Summers, or better yet, Screwfix. The next meeting you have to attend at work… try turning up wearing a tutu with your head in a bucket. You may get divorces and fired but at least you would have an interesting story down the pub. No man is oil can.

Sagittarius

June will be a bad month for health matters I am afraid to say as you are stricken with a combination of gout and hay fever. In fact you combine them so well you create an entirely new medical condition known as gay fever which means that whenever you drink red wine during a high pollen count you have to go out and buy a Justin Bieber CD. You will find your latest book on anti-gravity impossible to put down. A procrastinator’s work is never done.

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