Capricorn

Try to make the most of your time this month. If time marches on, then March marches on on time, as indeed it is because it will soon be April and before you know it Capricorn will have headed North, crossed the equator into Cancer, snuck through the panama canal and ended up half way between Tabasco and the Yucatan Peninsula . A visit to your doctor might be in order if only to make sure that he is still all right and to give him the benefit of your expert medical advice.

Aquarius

It must be your love of water that prompted you to propose remaking the 1960s Australian television series Skippy the bush kangaroo having the main character played by a dolphin. As far as the theme tune goes that’s fine as ‘flipper the bush kangaroo’ sounds just as good (if not better) than the original, but the idea of a dolphin flapping down a dusty road in central Australia to tell Ranger Hammond that Clarissa has fallen down the well again is not one that many people will find convincing. Back to the drawing board I’m afraid.

Pisces

Beware the ides of March which, will be a particularly trying month for all you Pisceans out there. You will be tested by door to door salesmen calling you on the phone, telemarketers knocking on your door and a prostitute trying to pay you for sex. Only one of these will work out in your favour so choose wisely. You will also have a bit of luck this month when the toilet paper will almost run out but there will be just enough left to finish the job.

Aries

You have always fantasies about having sex with a dalek. Perhaps you might consider getting an old dustbin, gluing a sink plunger on it, putting it over the neighbor’s head and getting him (or her) to pop round saying ‘exterminate… exterminate ’. This is nothing to do with horoscopes but I had a brief fling with that Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds once back in the late 70s, I had to break it off though, there were too many strings attached. As Saturn enters Pisces with a splash you will notice how often you use the word autophagous, probably not very often.

Taurus

Other people might start to question your integrity this April but this is not a problem that cannot be overcome with copious amounts of your customary Taurus-shit. The moon becomes sextile with the house of Saturn this month but ironically the one thing missing from your horoscope is sex. It looks rather like you are on short rations till May. A telephone call from a Swedish man in a bath of mushrooms will bring news of a tennis racket.

Gemini

You will meet a short dark stranger on an aeroplane who will ask you to move because you are in his seat. Scotland features heavily in your chart this month. Now would be an ideal time to visit Edinburgh, get yourself a kilt, a Tam o’ shanter and ginger wig, painting yourself blue and rampaging up the high street brandishing a plastic claymore shouting ‘one more for the woad’. Family matters are highlighted in your chart this month and you will find you family will be even more embarrassing than usual.

Cancer

You may need to keep a level head this month. To ensure that the head does not tilt in any direction you might try balancing a book on it throughout April. More convoluted head-levelling methods involving attaching two spirit levels to your hat and using backward facing periscopes to keep an eye on them might look a bit eccentric. Nothing good will come of pouring cold coffee down your underwear.

Leo

March would be a great month to discover that you are agoraphobic because there is a lot of scary stuff out there for you this month. Land sharks, religious extremist clowns and an old friend trying to get you to join his pyramid scheme are all waiting to pounce on you the moment you step out of the door. On a positive note, romance is in the air for you cuddly Leos this month so try to meet some new people; online maybe?

Virgo

They say that if you can’t say something nice about someone don’t say anything at all unless they are a complete and utter swine in which case it would be an act of kindness to let them know. A dwarf in a cowboy hat will offer you two snails in a shoebox. There may be something wrong with the feng shui in your bedroom. Try introducing a water feature along the entire east wall in order to balance the ying and yang (or sweet and sour). You will develop a mild case of kleptomania, before it gets any worse you should take something for it.

Libra

Romance figures strongly in your chart this month so now might be a good time to snuggle up with your loved one on the sofa with some old Audrey Hepburn movies and a bucket of popcorn. The film might be crap but getting your leg over afterwards will make it all worth it. March will also see all you lovely Librans stacking plenty of books on shelves, keeping a record of who has borrowed what book and making sure they are returned on time. Ahh sorry that’s not Librans that’s librarians.

Scorpio

As one door closes another one opens, and vice versa and now that the moon is entering Scorpio some doors will be positively revolving. Good news on the romantic front will lead to bad news in the health department as you contract a serious case of galloping knob-rot. At work you will find yourself gaining in respect by regurgitate the current buzzwords, you don’t need to know what they mean. In fact it would probably be better if you didn’t. A fight between a druid and a womble will bring good fortune to a mangelwurzel salesman.

Sagittarius

As Arthur C Clark once said ‘I don’t believe in astrology. I’m a Sagittarian, and we’re sceptical.’ March would be a good time for all you Aquarians to climb out of the sceptic tank, however, since there is a strikingly high (84%) chance of your being struck by lightning this month particularly when you are near water. It might therefore be best to avoid drinking, bathing, watering the pants, or drooling too much. On the culinary front, try to remember that an over-boiled cabbage is a cause for woe.