Monthly horoscope for November

Capricorn

This November you will go and see a magician with a speech impediment doing magic with chocolate bars. I don’t want to give the game away but he will have plenty of Twix up his sleeve. A project at work will go disastrously wrong and your boss (who’s fault it was really) will blame you, making you look about as suspicious as a nun doing press ups in a cucumber patch. Towards the end of the month you will have to go to the funeral of an Italian chef. He pasta way. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Aquarius

Good news. Your ruling planet Uranus has turned up safe and sound exactly where it should be. I don’t know why I could not find it last month, maybe it was something to do with the gin. This month you will fulfil your lifetime ambition to be run over by a steam train, you will be chuffed to bits. The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load. Rather than having loads of remote controls, why not just swap them for one big universal remote control, you will find it changes everything.

Pisces

Like German vegetarians Pisces will always fear the wurst. Towards the beginning of the November you will spot a bloke playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo which is fairly aboriginal. You will also have this brilliant idea of chopping off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and putting it in the local library on the grounds that it would be something of a turn up for the books. You will also do some work on the website www.conjunctivitis.com because you think it will be a site for sore eyes. Adolf Eichmann was a Pisces.

Aries

You have been giving some thought to going back to university but you are not sure what to study. You could study science and ask ‘Why does it work?’ You could study Engineering and ask ‘How does it work?’ You could study Accountancy and ask ‘How much will it cost?’ or you could study liberal arts and ask ‘Do you want fries with that?’ 50 shades of grey, there’s a gag in there somewhere. If life gives you melons, you might well be dyslexic. Have you ever wondered how much deeper the ocean would be if there weren’t any sponges in it?

Taurus

There will be a total disaster this month when your local pub runs out of beer. You will have to switch to Guinness and when that runs out all there will be left to drink is half a pint of Murphy’s stout. Still, I suppose you should be grateful for small Murphys. On the employment front you will be offered a job helping a one arm typist with capital letters. Naturally it will be shift work. Whatever you do in life you should always give 100%…. Unless you’re donating blood. Don’t trust atoms they make up everything.

Gemini

This month you will be very concerned about your career, worried that it will end up in ruins but what else can you expect if you decide to become an archaeologist. With your ruling planet of Mercury in opposition to Venus things will not look very rosy on the romantic front either. The best advice here is never to marry a tennis player, love means nothing to them. If you can hear music coming out of your printer then the paper might be jammin’. If vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating all their food?

Cancer

Now that the sun is illuminating Cancer it is time for you to stop being so crabby and come out of your shell. You will get the ideal opportunity early in the month when you meet a girl from Holland wearing inflatable shoes. Unfortunately when you call her to arrange a date she will have popped her clogs. Later on in the month you will go to the local zoo and find there is only one dog in it, it is a shitzu. Even though every day is a gift, you are pushing your luck by asking for the receipt for Monday and trying to exchange it for another Saturday.

Leo

If nothing is impossible then you lazy Leos must be miracle workers as you spend so much time doing nothing. The only problem is that you never know when you’re finished and (like eating the proverbial clock) it can be very time consuming. They say that hard work never killed anybody but the Leo view is ‘why take the chance?’ If a thing is worth doing it would probably have been done already. Leos are very good at watching telly however. Did you see that documentary on how ships are held together? It was riveting

Virgo

I would not go so far as to say that Virgos were stupid but it is not uncommon to see them throwing breadcrumbs in the loo every morning to feed the toilet duck. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery but really they should say that a plateau is. With the moon in trine with Mercury, Saturn square with Mars, Venus in opposition to Pluto and Uranus square with Jupiter you will feel as confused as a traffic warden in heaven. Don’t worry if you can’t spell Armageddon, it’s not the end of the world.

Libra

You will be late for work early this month as two mimes having an argument will cause a traffic accident. By the time you reach the pile up the police will be arresting them, explaining that they have the right to remain silent. You may well become addicted to brake fluid towards the middle of the month although you will also be able to stop whenever you want. Speaking of addictions you will also decide go to a meeting of the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous but all the seats will have been taken. Your dyslexia will hit a new owl.

 Scorpio

Due to an administrative cock up at the hospital you will be told you have the wrong blood group. The letter will say you are type A but that will be a typo. At work it may seem that your colleagues are ganging up on you so use your acerbic wit to retaliate and make sure there is a sting in the tail. If that doesn’t work then a boot in the scrunge frequently does the trick. In case you were wondering, yes you do have an inferiority complex but it is not a very good one. I am told that having bipolar disorder is both fun and depressing

Sagittarius

Your ruling planet of Jupiter is square with the rings of Saturn this month which might leave you feeling a bit like an oval peg in a triangular hole. Surprise surprise you will have some computer problems this November. Try not to anthropomorphise the computer though, it will hate it. Come back Guy Fawkes, your country needs you now more than ever. The beatings will continue until morale improves. If cupid comes knocking this month, just remember that it is better to have loved a short woman than to have never loved a tall.