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Monthly horoscope for October


A trip to the hospital is on the cards this month for you unlucky Capricorns but, to be fair, it is largely your own fault for not reading the instructions and completely misunderstanding the purpose of a Dyson ball cleaner. As winter sets in there will be a severe deterioration in the weather and towards the middle of the month it will be raining cats and dogs. This will be confirmed when you step out of the house into a large poodle. Romantically there is little or nothing going on this October other than you being unexpectedly goosed by a nun on the 15th.


Your ruling planet Uranus (phnarr phnarr) seems to have gone missing at the moment. I have a floor full of almanacs and star charts and a telescope as thick as your head pointing to where it should be and it is conspicuous by its absence. Still, I dare say it will turn up sooner or later. Until then nothing of any interest will happen to you, people will ignore you entirely and you will drift through life in a grey haze, much like an accountant. There is bad news on the employment front as you lose your job as a merry-go-round operator. I guess you can still sue them for funfair dismissal. There are only 1,436 iPhone charges till Christmas.


If we are what we eat, Pisceans are fast, cheap and easy. There is a strong possibility that you will be run over by a lorry this month. Even though Pisces are notoriously tubby, the problem will not be that the driver has not got enough room to get passed you, he just won’t have enough petrol. You have been giving some thought to joining a gym but it is a big commitment. Are you sure you have the time to keep updating your Facebook status? Speaking of social media, I don’t know about you, but every time I go on twitter I get this weird feeling I’m being followed.


This October, with Mars moving into your second house, you will be full of bonhomie and love for your fellow creatures. Giving up your seat to an old lady on the bus is a noble gesture but possibly not the safest thing to do if you are the driver. You are likely to come across a dog with a poster nailed to it saying that someone had lost their tree and is offering a reward. As the winter nights draw in it will be time to get out the woolly hats and hot water bottles but this year let’s try to avoid mixing the electric blanket up with the toaster and popping out of bed all night.


As the sun goes trine with Mars your leadership skills will come to the fore. As Boris Yeltsin once said, “You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can’t sit on it for long.” Quite what he meant by that I have no idea. Your plan to start a new business fitting ejector seats on toilets will start off quite promisingly but the novelty will soon wear off and it will prove to be something of a flush in the pan. There’s an old Hindu proverb that speaks about the importance of not assuming things, but you wouldn’t want to hear it.


Don’t forget the clocks go back at the end of this month and we get an extra hour. This is a dubious benefit really since last time it happened you spent two hours resetting every clock in the house, particularly the grandfather clock but I know you love those things… big time. Mercury, your ruling planet will be going retrograde this month so all messages will be backwards for the foreseeable future. Towards the end of the month you will have an accident in John Lewis lingerie department when you trip over a lady’s brassiere. Brings a new meaning to the term boobie trap.


This October your plan to join the local debating team will fail when until someone talks you out of it. There will be good news on the employment front and you will be offered a job working for the world’s largest nanotechnology company. As you might imagine, they’re not very good. Later this month in the pub you will get chatting to a lumberjack who will seem like a decent feller. If you get bored at work you can always hand a clock to one of your co-workers and tell him to give it to someone else. It will help pass the time.


As the moon starts to wax this month you will have the astronomically brilliant idea of drilling a hole in it and threading a very large piece of string through the hole. That way you will finally be able to conker the World. There is good news on the relationship front and love is in the air for you Leonine lotharios, two days after winning ten million pounds on the lottery you will find the love of your live. What are the chances of that happening? One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be known as YouTwitFace


This month try to be a bit more laid back. I know it is in the nature of Virgos to get pernickety and maybe that’s why some of them are so good at snooker but filing your clothes alphabetically and by length is just obsessive. With great power comes a great utility bill. You will have a bit of bad luck at a casino in Las Vegas when you will be thrown out for misunderstanding what the craps table is for. A clear conscience is probably either a sign of a poor memory or an indication that you have never used it.


This month you will make the mistake of buying a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. He will clearly have laced them with something because you will spend all day tripping. The good thing about Halloween (which is on the 31st) is that the cobwebs in your house will look like decorations. The early bird may well get the worm but the late worm is the one that you will spot not getting got what with the plot to get shot of the lot of them. The moral of this story being spend an extra hour in bed if you are a worm who doesn’t want to be eaten by birds.


This October the stars will encourage anything to do with painting, sketching, doodling, drawing, illustrating, landscapes, still lives, portraits… I am sure you get the picture. Towards the middle of the month a guy will throw some milk at you… How dairy?! Mercury, the planet of communications, will have an effect on you at work and you will be complimented on your communications skills by some co-workers. Others will just call it gossiping. Wherever you hang your @ that’s your home


Don’t forget to stock up on Ex-Lax chocolates towards the end of the month, that will teach those pesky trick or treaters. Apparently, last month, British Airways lost 401 million. I’m not sure if that’s in pounds, dollars or suitcases though. You will run into a soldier down the pub who survived being exposed to both mustard gas and pepper spray. I guess you could call him a seasoned veteran. This month you will be involved in an accident involving two Lorries, one full of terrapins and the other full of tortoises, It will be a turtle disaster

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