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Monthly horoscope for September


Autumn is definitely here now as you can see from the orange harvest moon and with Jupiter opposing Neptune you will find yourself torn between two different factions. This will be extremely painful as your arms are pulled out of their sockets not to mention expensive as you will have to get all your suits altered. Towards the end of September you will drunkenly decide to return to a tree house you made when you were kids. This will lead to a falling out. When you die, see if you can get buried with some bronze arrowheads. That will keep the archaeologists guessing.


They say that people that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones but it is just as true that people that live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses. This month you will want to start on your epic undertaking of a book containing only words that are five letters long but hopefully you will realise that life is too short. Next time you go passed a shop selling microscopes why not go in for a closer look? There will also be some bad news this month on the academic front and you will fail your chair utilisation exam and have to re sit it.


I have had a few complaints recently that I am being unduly harsh on Pisceans. All I can say is ‘don’t shoot the messenger’. It is hardly my fault that Pisceans often smell fishy, or undertake fishy activities and I am sure they must have some redeeming features. There are undoubtedly some advantages to being a Piscean, for example fat people are harder to kidnap. Slightly off the subject, it has just occurred to me that a hand grenade factory is the one place where hearing a pin drop would be a very bad thing


As Mars, your ruling planet, enters your Maxwell house there will be a strong possibility of instant coffee. If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn’t right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it’s the only way left. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, unless you’re the back end of a pantomime horse. Do you realise that at the end of the month there will only be twenty eight shopping days left till Christmas? You will be tempted to go out and buy a cardboard TV in the hope that it will let you watch paper view.


Family matters and travel will figure highly for you this month and a short notice visit from your mother in law will lead to an even shorter notice weekend escape. Towards the end of September as Venus starts looping round mars, hops over to Jupiter via Saturn, zings across to mercury, bounces off the moon and then pops back to its proper place hoping that no one noticed you might experience some disorientation. Whatever life throws at you, never give up on your dreams. One of the best ways to achieve this is simply to keep sleeping.


This September you will be marooned on a desert island full of pirates with wooden legs, hooks for hands and parrots on their shoulders, the so called parrots of the Caribbean. The fiercest of the pirates will have chocolate covered coconut bars hidden under their hats; yes every pirate worth his salt should have a bounty on his head. You will finally escape by building a large boat out of concrete, which will be a great hard ship. If you return in time you might get your book out just in time for talk like a pirate day which is every September the 19th, and you know why pirates are called pirates? It’s just because they Arrrrrrrgh.


The month will commence with a blazing row with a female firefighter with PMS (or ovary acting as it is sometimes known) and go downhill from there. Sorry to say it Cancer but misfortunes will plague you throughout September starting with you tripping over a three foot aardvark (more commonly referred to as a yardvark), poking yourself in the eye with your mobile (turning it into an iPhone) and failing to notice that a hedgehog was hibernating in your underpants. If it makes you feel any better, Leo’s September will be worse.


September will start poorly this year and not get much better. At the beginning of the month you will be beset by toothache, your dentist will be on holiday and his replacement will have just been discharged from the army. Obviously he was a drill sergeant. A week later you will be bitten by a marmoset in a place it would be indelicate to mention and before the month is over you will have been walloped round the head with a wet fish, accidently superglued yourself to a letter box and fallen into a sceptic tank. Still…never mind, hey?


This month Virgo I think you should take a good hard look at just how much wine you are drinking. If you are perfectly honest with yourself you will see that it simply isn’t enough. The answer might not lie in the bottom of a wine bottle but it certainly can’t hurt to check and no great story ever started with someone drinking a glass of water. Some people have even managed to train their dogs to bring them a glass of red wine when they get home from work. I think it helps if you start off with the right sort of dog though, something like a Bordeaux collie.


According to my beginner’s book on anthropology, communicating with Native Americans is easy when you know “How.” Things are looking up for you Librans this September and your entry for the Eurovision song contest ‘bom bim tiddle tiddle tweet splonk plink’ will be a huge success even if it does not actually win (possibly because it is a bit too highbrow). If Einstein hadn’t come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time. Piers are just bridges built by lazy people.


As we enter September your ruling planet Pluto will go into opposition with Mickey and a positive civil war will erupt. Goofy will cause great offence by offering Minnie Mouse a quick Donald Duck behind the bike sheds. Sorcerer Micky will cast a rainy spell on the Duck Avenger and Oswald the Lucky Rabbit will fail to live up to his name when he is mugged by the seven dwarves. Starting off sleepy he will be bashed by bashful making him grumpy and in need of a doc who will cure his sneezes, tell him not to be so dopey and then boot him in the happy sack.


A game of strip Frisbee at a knife throwing convention will not end well this September and however you slice it, it is not going to impale into insignificance. There are strong influences in your chart that will assist you in whatever you want to achieve so take full advantage and think big… but not too big. You can imagine what happened when a Sagittarius once tried to build a full scale model of big ben in his bedroom. It is quite acceptable to do a citizen’s arrest on your coffee maker if you have sufficient grounds.

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