Capricorn

Saturn, your ruling planet, will turn retrograde early in May so you might find yourself starting to do a lot of things backwards. This month you can expect to be in several car accidents and spill a lot of coffee. It is also a good time to nurture and encourage your inner child by treating yourself to a box of Farley’s rusks and a family sized packet of Pampers. Due to a clerical error you will invited to a symposium organised by the association of geriatric shoe makers. You should definitely go since they have cheap glue there (ha! you thought I was going to say it was a load of old cobblers, didn’t you?)

Aquarius

Travel features strongly in Aquarius’s chart this month, both good and bad. The good news this month is that you will go on a road trip with a new found friend. The bad news is that he will turn out to be a bank robber and you will spend much of the trip as a hostage blindfolded in the boot of the car. The good news is that you will escape and make a fortune selling your story to the tabloids. The bad news is that due to an unfortunate investment in a company making earplugs out of margarine and pepper you will lose the lot.

Pisces

Did you know that last year twice as many Pieces were sectioned under the mental health act than any other star sign? They say that if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day but if you teach a man to fish and he will spend the entire weekend lounging about by the river, drinking beer. Pisceans are frequently keen on fishing, possibly a throwback to their cannibalistic ancestry. As the sun enters Pisces this month, don’t forget to splash on some factor 50. A man with a donkey tattooed on his arse will cause some confusion.

Aries

There will be the temptation this month for you air-headed Arieses to go overboard with the purple tie-dyed T-shirts and visits to your crystal therapist. Do your best to keep both feet firmly on the ground this month, except (obviously) if you are running for a bus or trying to put your trousers on. A rolling stone gathers no moths. Towards the end of the month your interest in woolly Tibetan creatures that look a bit like goats might cause some allama.

Taurus

At work people are starting to view you as rather predictable. Next time you are in a meeting, try expressing yourself entirely through the medium of dance, you may be surprised at the reaction you get. With Neptune conjuncting with Saturn your finances will get a small boost. Expect a windfall towards the middle of the month. It might not seem like much to you but remember, if that apple had not fallen on Sir Isaac Newton’s head there would be no gravity and we would all either be floating about all over the place or wearing shoes made out of Velcro.

Gemini

May will be particularly busy for you Geminis who will barely find the time to scratch your own arses. An accountant in a black bikini will introduce you to two ferrets in a birdbath. With Mars, the bringer of war, and Venus, the goddess of love, both making a beeline for the house of Gemini you can also expect loads of kinky sex this month. Remember though, kinky is using a feather, using the whole chicken is just perverted.

Cancer

Your social calendar will be full to the brim this month and you will find yourself partying with friends, neighbours, siblings, strangers, haddock, colleagues and the local health and safety executive. Turning up to that last party will be a bit of a mistake, which you will realise as soon as they ask you to fill in a risk assessment form before being allowed in. In fact bureaucracy figures highly in your chart at the moment, as does travel and you will be driven to distraction by the latest stupid idea from your local council.

Leo

Leos are normally the life and soul of the party but this May you will not really be in a party mood. There could be a number of reasons for this. It might be that Doctor Evil has gone back in time and stolen your mojo but a more likely explanation is that your underwear is too tight. Your plan to install bungee ropes in the church tower will not be popular; the bell ringers will hit the roof. Towards the end of the month you will be contacted by an old classmate. You didn’t like him then and there is no reason to suppose you will like him any more now. No man is an onion.

Virgo

Unfortunately the painting you submitted to the Tate Modern will not be included in their latest exhibition. In fairness you did not help your cause when you told them it was no more crap than the crap they usually show there. As the moon enters Virgo you fastidious virgins will spring clean so comprehensively that even the dust will be gleaming. They say you should never criticise a man until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticise him you will be a mile away, and have his shoes.

Libra

As Mercury, the planet of communication, heads towards Libra there will be a corresponding increase in your mobile phone bill. It is in the nature of Librans (the scales of justice) to want to judge people and things but try to avoid this if you are subject to any episodes of insanity. That would be just judgmental. Libras are particularly compatible with Cancerians but they can get jealous over the silliest things, like there not being a charity for Libra research. A Macedonian hair boiler will fall off his unicycle.

Scorpio

Scorpios are notoriously preoccupied with money and where there’s a will you can bet there is a Scorpio trying to get mentioned in it. If money talks then much of yours will be saying “goodbye” this month due to several unbudgeted expenses. The worst of these will be when you realise that that eight man bed you bought on eBay is not going to fit though the front door and you are going to have to remove the roof and crane it into the bedroom. This would be a tricky and expensive procedure at the best of times but particularly if you live on the ground floor of a block of flats.

 Sagittarius

This May would be a great time to take up a new hobby, not least because there are two bank holidays to spend on it. The signs are particularly auspicious for anything involving flower arranging, gurning, learning the flugelhorn or bestiality. Relationships with friends and family may be a little strained this month, it probably did not help when you called them a useless pack of backstabbing bastards with all the social graces of a wheelie bin full of manure. You might also be beset by inexplicable feelings of pessimism and misery dis may.